Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
