if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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