matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
