T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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