Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
people are starting to question the shark bite story
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
