NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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