So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
