You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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