ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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