true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
