you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
