your parents love me but you hate me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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