i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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