I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
third nipple confirmed
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
