I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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