so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I forget how to act sober
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
