I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
