Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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