Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
