I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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