My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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