Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
