dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
