I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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