After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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