I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
