I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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