I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
