If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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