remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
