Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
