the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
