Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
