He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
