I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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