you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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