New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
