Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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