I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
