hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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