I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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