i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
