the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
