my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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