dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
