Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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