i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
