I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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