dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
