You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
