I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
