whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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