I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
