My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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