I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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