eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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