Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
