Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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