So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
And then he peed in my hair
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